Love, Want, and Missing Out On Marriage

Love is many things, but in the last year or two of my life, I have come to the realization that “Love” = “Want.”

To better communicate what I am really trying to say, consider the following … “did not Christ WANT us so badly that He was willing to give His life in order to obtain us?”

Indeed, Christ has given His life, and He has obtained us, because He truly WANTED us and LOVED us more than anything else.



So how does this relate to you and me?

Simply stated, LOVE does equal WANT … because “whatever you WANT so badly that you are willing to sacrifice all else in order to obtain it clearly reveals that which you truly LOVE.”

And just as Christ prioritized us above all else (because he truly LOVED and WANTED us more than anything else), we too tend to prioritize that which we truly LOVE and WANT above all else, even to the sacrificing, letting go of, and missing out on that which we consciously or subconsciously consider to be of “lesser worth.”

(If you are willing to sacrifice your family in order to obtain something else, then that clearly proves where your true “love” lies.)




OK, so what does this all have to do with Love, Want, and Missing Out on Marriage?

How about we get right to the point!

As singles (or mid-singles), how often do we state that we WANT marriage … but then we allow our individual choices and actions to betray us for who we really are, or that which we truly Love, Want, and Prioritize?

We end up missing out on marriage on account of this “counterfeit love / want,” because we end up placing it ahead of the very things that would have enabled us to have actually gotten married.

And therein lies the self deception.

For example, we may find comfort in telling ourselves that we WANT marriage, and that it is our most earnest desire, but then we discover that we are way too busy to go out on a date this week because of a perceived need to address a more pressing issue, and besides, there will always be next week, right?

But come next week, we end up repeating the same script in our mind, and after a significant amount of time has passed, we come to the realization that “next week” has never come, and even worse, we are still just as busy as ever, except now we haven’t been out on an actual date in over six months.

(Granted, there are times in our lives when we truly do have pressing issues wherein we might need to take a month or two off from the dating scene. But that should be more the “exception,” and not the “rule.”)



Now for a personal example:

In my 39 years of being single, I have always said that I “Wanted Marriage.”

On countless occasions, I have even fervently affirmed that marriage was the most important thing to me, my primary objective, and that which I most desired.

And then I had my day of reckoning, when I came to the ugly realization that this was all just a line so that I could feel good about myself, and that I had a deep dark secret, that I actually “Loved” or “Wanted” something else even more.

Long story short … within my own social circle, I had pretty much created an “institution.”

It was basically a social / mixer every other Sunday at my house, where 70 to 90 people would typically show up.

We always had a different theme, and everyone had a lot of fun.

These socials / mixers came into being because I personally felt the need to expand my social network, which inevitably led to more dating opportunities.

OK, so it wasn’t 100% selfish.

I also held the socials / mixers because I knew it would be of great worth for those I cared about, something that would also enable their socializing, meeting, and connecting.

From a certain perspective, these socials / mixers where a success, as many of us successfully expanded our social networks, and many of us ended up dating more frequently.

However, over time, it was “impressed” upon me (from forces beyond the veil) that I was never going to progress towards marriage until I was willing to “let go” of these Sunday night socials / mixers.

My eyes were opened to the realization that although I fervently stated that I WANTED marriage, that in reality I actually WANTED something else entirely … the notoriety, the fame, and the attention that came from having 70 to 90 people coming over to my house on a regular basis.

You see, the socials / mixers were subconsciously feeding my ego, and it was beginning to define who I was.

Secretly, I loved it when people would tell me that they had heard how awesome the socials / mixers were.

It was like “crack” to my soul.

It was seductively addicting.

It had become my friend in whom I had found great comfort and meaning.

It was a habit that was going to be painful to let go of.



And here is what was so incredibly crazy about the whole thing … in an effort to find that special someone, I had unwittingly laid the foundation that was preventing me from ever connecting with that special someone.

Even though the socials / mixers had presented me with amazing dating opportunities, whenever I started to find myself “liking” someone, it would be whispered to me from somewhere deep inside that if I were to pursue a relationship with so and so, that it would put an end to the socials / mixers.

(Who wants to go to a mixer where the host is in a serious relationship, and what girlfriend would want her boyfriend to host a mixer that was specifically designed to enable meeting new “prospects?”)

And so I always rationalized that until I knew for sure whether I really wanted to marry someone or not, that I would continue forward with the socials / mixers.

(In truth, I WANTED and LOVED the fame and notoriety that came from the socials / mixers more then I WANTED and LOVED the chance that a relationship might actually have progressed towards marriage.)

Surely, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to come to the conclusion that each of these promising “opportunities” soon withered away and died.

Eventually, my day of decision arrived.

I finally had to own up to the fact that although I said I “Loved” and “Wanted” and “Prioritized” marriage above all else, that in fact, I actually “Loved” and “Wanted” and “Prioritized” the fame and the attention that the social / mixers brought even more.

It was in that moment that I finally had to make a choice … was I going to choose (1) the “crack’ for my ego (which was currently winning out), or was I going to choose (2) marriage for eternity?

Although it was extremely difficult, I finally decided that I truly did WANT marriage more, and so I quietly let the Sunday socials / mixers come to an end.

Although the blessings did not come immediately (they never do), I can say that blessings have come.

This single decision of “PRIORITIZING” that which truly matters over that which only seduces has forever changed the trajectory of my life, and I have no doubt that it will have a resounding impact upon the eternities.

I had finally chosen Marriage above all else.

It was what I truly Wanted.

And I was finally willing to let go of everything else in order to obtain it.



So how does this apply to the rest of us?

Consider the following three scenarios:

(1) Perhaps we emphatically state that we “Want” marriage, but then we find ourselves unable to find the time to date this week because of the need to complete “such and such” so that we might significantly improve our future financial prospects. Besides, we can always go out on a date next week … right?

(2) Perhaps we emphatically state that we “Want” marriage, but then we find ourselves unable to let go of a grudge or grievance towards another who has severely wronged us. We become so consumed with “hurt” and “debilitating bitterness” that we are unable to see the beauty in others, and they are unable to see the beauty in us.

(3) Perhaps we emphatically state that we “Want” marriage, but then we find ourselves unable to do the work necessary to invest in ourselves (educationally, emotionally, physically, etc.) so that others might find the stability and strength that they too need in order for a relationship to work out. We are ever searching, but never finding, because we do not realize that a successful relationship requires work and sacrifice and effort from both sides in order to succeed.

(NOTE: I recognize that we are all single for various reasons.  I do not pretend to know why any individual person is still single, or what the answer / solution is for that person.  I’m sure the answers are as numerous and unique as we are numerous and unique.  However, I am confident that there is someone who does know, and it is He who loves each of us more than we can even comprehend.  I am confident that not only does He have the answer for each of us, but He is eager to share it with us in His own time and in His own way.)




Although recently engaged, David McKnight has been single and actively involved in the single’s scene his whole life.  In his spare time, David loves to read books, mountain bike, and dabble in technological and creative endeavors.






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