My Slightly Different but Still Just as Good Forever Family

 

black tie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was November 10th, 2013. My two kids and I were huddled together in a side pew, 2 rows from the front. We were lost sitting there, our hearts hemorrhaging with sorrow. We had worked hard to get to church that morning. It was the last place we wanted to be but I think each of us silently hoped that by doing our small part God would make us whole again.

We believed God would bring her back. If we prayed hard enough and sacrificed (did we pay enough tithing last month?) that she would come back. That, with her, our house would be a home once again.


So there we sat, careful not to make eye contact with anyone, even each other. Only a select few knew that my wife had walked out on us just five days before, our only warning was a text message that said she was moving on.

The rest of the ward settled in around us as sacrament meeting began. I don’t remember much from that point on. I know I took the sacrament, slow and deliberate, getting lost in the words as I silently repeated the prayer over and over.I know that each of my kids sat on either side of me, holding one of my hands, fearful that if they let go that they would lose me too.

Everything else was just a dull hum whispering in my ear that my life was over.

And then it happened.

sacrament

Divorce is never easy, at least it shouldn’t be. But as a member of a church that promises that not even death will sever the union of a husband and wife, divorce can have eternal consequences.

Going to church with out that precious loved one by your side is one of the most painful experiences I have had to face.

But when the primary kids all stood and begun walking to the front of the chapel I knew that pain was going to increase tenfold. I watched as each child found their place, shoulder to shoulder, row after row, nervous smiles on their faces while they tried to find mom and dad and quickly wave through their excitement.


As the piano begun to play the introduction I held my breath. My children felt it too, evident by the pain I had in each hand as they both tried to squeeze away what was about to happen.

 

I have a fam’ly here on earth.

 

Please God. Please don’t put my family through this.

 

They are so good to me.

 

I can’t blink fast enough to hold back the first tear.

 

I want to share my life with them through all eternity.

 

Oh, God. Did that sound just come from me?

 

Fam’lies can be together forever

Through Heav’nly Father’s plan.

 

My son leaned close and whispered “Papa, maybe you should go for a walk.” I shook my head as both hands were frantically trying to wipe away the hot, wet pain flowing from my eyes.

 

I always want to be with my own family,

 

OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGodOhmyGodohmyGodohmyGodohmyGodohmyGod

 

And the Lord has shown me how I can.

 

And there it was. The Lord has shown me how I can. God gave me everything I needed and I blew it. My family would never be whole again. We were broken. Nobody wants broken. Not even God. Before I even realized it, I was tripping over my son and blindly stumbling down the aisle, ashamed to be there, ashamed to be alive. I exited the chapel and continued out into the cold, praying it would numb the pain.


I learned that day who my true friends are. They were the ones that left their spouses, their perfectly molded eternal families, and followed me into the cold, assuring me that I was not alone.

They offered to carry my burden with me until I was strong enough to cast it off on my own. Without those tender few I often wonder if I would ever have come back inside.

empty-church-pews

That day was the first of many when I questioned my will to carry on. I knew I wasn’t going to physically hurt myself; I loved my kids and would never put them through that. But I secretly questioned my ability to come to church week after week.

It was hard to find my place in a church that seemed to forget not all of us can see our happily ever after. It was hard not to find my peace in sin. Sometimes it would be so easy to pick up a bottle. Sometimes it’s hard to say no when it’s late and she invites me in.

Even now, when I clearly realize how much happier I am a year single than I was 17 years married, the desire to self destruct is stronger than your married friends will ever fully understand. I freely admit I don’t always find the strength I need by turning to my faith.

God made me weak.

But he did give me a reason to never give up. Two of them, in fact. And when my days are dark and my nights are sleepless and I feel my faith in myself wavering, I just look my Reasons in the eyes and accept that even though I don’t always believe in myself, they do. And that is enough reason for me to go on.

When that happens I begin to understand that even though I lost the family I thought I wanted, through the faith of my children I found the family I needed.


I know longer run from the chapel when the primary stands to sing. But I have changed the words to the song and I silently sing along.

 

I have a fam’ly here on earth.

Just my two kids and me

I get to share my life with them through all eternity.

 

My family will be together forever

Through Heav’nly Father’s plan.

I always want to be with my own family,

And the Lord has blessed me so I can.

The Lord has blessed me so I can.

 

Maybe one day we’ll be lucky enough to add a few more smiles to our little family. But if not then we are still ok. We have each other and with that we have the strength to move forward.

 


For Divorce Support near you

DivorceCare is a friendly, caring group of people who will walk alongside you through one of life’s most difficult experiences. Don’t go through separation or divorce alone.



About the AuthorPete Amador is a loving father and lives with his two children in Meridian, ID.  He is a jokester, a poet, and an entrepreneur.  He can often be found in the stands sporting the Broncos at BSU.  Follow him at www.thrownfromthecar.com– the story of a single father surviving divorce and teaching his teenagers how to keep life safely between the lines.

Other posts by Pete include When You Discover Your Road to Eternal Life is Closed.

Peter Amador

 

Comments

comments



Comments are closed.