8 Things you say to divorcees that we could be offended by, but aren’t, because it gives us a chance to use these fantastic responses!

mindi9

1) I don’t really have 8. But I have 7, and 8 is my favorite number. This is my write, so it stays. Read on.

2) Person, “You’re STILL single!?”

Me, “Yes… I’m also STILL awesome. Don’t feel bad, I could have been married three times by now. In fact I have a couple friends that have.

3) Another person- “You’re a great catch… You won’t be single for long.”

Me- “Pray tell- How does one equal the other?”
Imagining a great catch- The picture that comes to MY mind (which is admittedly jaded) is that of a huge fish being reluctantly reeled in by it’s captor, fighting with all of it’s might against the dreaded doom that awaits. As said captor heaves the beast onto his watercraft he stares at it, heaving chest, lustful eyes and fatigued biceps.

Mesmerized by the overwhelming size of the suffocating mammal that has just had it’s entire body weight yanked around by a giant sprawled needle hooked to the roof of its mouth. Be still my heart. And what exactly makes it a great catch… SIZE ALONE! How did it get that size you ask? Wait for it… By NOT being caught for a very long time! So, again I wonder… How does being a “great catch” equal “not being single for long”? The two are exactly contradictory. But I get what you’re trying to say. And I love ya for it.

Perhaps what you mean to express, is that an attractive person, with a lot of positive attributes will certainly have a lot of options. I suppose this is true IF said attractive person were willing to consider all the “fish in the sea”. Might I purpose an idea? If a person is considered one of those “big fish” would he/she not really be looking for another “big fish”. Therefore making the number of options significantly less. Hmmmm… There’s a thought. Could it be, the bigger the fish… The smaller the pond…? What’s that I hear? Scoffings…? Whisperings…? Who-does-she-think-she-is-ings?
BTW- I believe every single person is a big fish in their own right. That should be made clear.

4) Yet another person- “You must not be putting yourself out there.”

Me, “You’re right! (Gazing to the upper right corner of my eyeballs). Maybe I should mount that giant, flashing banner over my house that says “43 year old, divorced, mother of four, that rocks, lives here… Now accepting applications” Wait…do they make banners that flash?

Tell me- how far “out there” shall I put myself? I understand everyone needs to get out of their comfort zone occasionally. I’m single. THERE. Officially NOT COMFORTABLE.
By “out there”, do you mean Mars? Because I don’t think I’d really be comfortable with a Martian. We might have a hard time finding stuff to do…. Being a different species and all.
I think maybe I’d like to meet someone with some common ground. Literally, I think we should have some GROUND in common. So I’ll probably leave the banner down and do the things that I do, the things I love, mostly involving my children. The things that bring me joy. Hopefully I’ll meet someone along the way, that likes doing those things as well… Then we can go visit “out there” together. Is Mars nice in the Spring?

mindi5

5) A bold person, “You’re still in love with your ex”.

Me, “(blank stare, wondering where to begin, deep breath aaaand go).”
Common responses to this accusation might be…”I love him/her, but I’m not IN love with him/her”. Yes, I have played the semantics game as well. It’s fun for a minute. Bottom line- first you must define love. Ok, I’ll go first (or, since this is my write… I’ll go only). Love is not a feeling…hasn’t been for years. Love is an action. It is sacrifice, service, commitment, unconditional and imperfect at its core. It grows like grass… Greenest where it is watered. Or in some cases, rained on! But it does grow. Healthy or otherwise. You choose how healthy by your own maintenance level. I hope I always have the strength to love my ex, despite all that was done. Hate would be the default, hate is what the world says I should feel, hate would be easy. I choose to love my ex, because he would fall under the category of “everyone”…. I try very hard to love everyone, despite what they have taken from me. If I don’t- that’s one more thing they have taken from me.

As far as a true, romantic love? No… That is being reserved for one person. I don’t know who it is yet, but he will know it when he gets it… And he will like it!! HA!

6) A rude person- “You’re too picky.”

Me- “That’s funny, because I sort of think when choosing a person that you want be with for the rest of EVER, you can’t be too picky.” One of my favorite conversations I had with my mom took place at the ripe old age of 19, I was deciding between two “suitors”. Probably wanting to seem unselfish (and I use the word seem, because at 19 selfish is what we are, but we at least recognize that we shouldn’t be). I expressed my concern for the boy I was clearly not going to choose. I was worried about what would happen to him (puuuleeeease!). She said

“when you are choosing someone to marry… It’s the one time in your life that you’re allowed to be selfish”. My mother is a smart woman.

mindi8

“Too picky” is code for “Look Mindi- you’re not 20 anymore. You’re probably going to have to settle for someone a little less “hot”. Ok- but there are a few things I won’t settle for (in fact, 5 exactly). One of them is someone that is not completely crazy about me, and wants to kiss me every chance he gets, and can’t stand the thought of being away from me. I would think he would want the same.

I sure hope HE doesn’t settle!! I would really hate to be the wife of a guy that settled.

7) An assuming person, “Better to be alone and healthy than married and broken, right?”.

Me- “Why do you get to assume my marriage was broken?”
Though this statement is true, for someone that never considered their marriage broken, it can sting a little. I have wished many times there was another box to check in the marital status portion of those stupid questionnaires. Single. Married. Divorced. Widowed. I’m often tempted to add a “divorced-but-not-proud-if-it-and-did-absolutely-everything-I-could-to-save-it” box.

I suppose I might be in the minority in this thinking among divorced people. But it’s 100% of my experience, and therefore… It’s all I know. You see, for some of us, we loved being married. We worked hard in it, the good years heavily outweighed the bad and we were actually very good at it! Some of us didn’t realize that last family photo, was going to be our last family photo. I, for one, didn’t feel relief when it was over. I felt great pain and anguish for my children, my family, his family and all of our posterity still to come! I never wanted to leave a legacy of failure at my most important calling in life. I never wanted my kids to think divorce to be a viable option. So when someone puts me into a category of “you must have been miserable the whole time you were married…just because it ended”. I might get a bit defensive.

(our last family photo)

mindi6

I realize there are plenty of “broken marriages” out there. Divorce rarely mends. In the case of abuse …obviously! But there are varying degrees of abuse, to be sure. Not everyone “stays for the kids”. Some stay for their spouse, or themselves. Some actually leave partially FOR the kids. To be a strong parent, one that is loving, tolerant and kind… But refuses to be lied to, continually taken advantage of and compromised.
(Example chosen at random)

The important thing to remember when judging a divorced person, (if you feel you must) is that it takes two people working very hard, TOGETHER, to keep a marriage. Not always does a person simply walk away… Sometimes they are shoved. Hopefully they recover gracefully. Which leads me to my favorite number, 8.
8) Nice person, “You seem very comfortable being single.”

Me, “Yes, many of us do reach that point. The point that we “seem” comfortable being single. It might be because we really are, or it might be because we are pretending to be.”

When I find myself feeling “very comfortable” I try to do something different. Like mess up the empty side of my bed. I don’t want to be too comfortable here. Nor do I want to be really good at this single life thing. Not a big fan of the professional dater unless of course, they are able to honestly identify themselves as such, but I digress.

I’m not saying we should all be miserable as long as we are single. I was happy when I was married, I am happy while not married, I would be happy if I married again. Notice a pattern there? My point is that somewhere between udder misery and heavenly bliss lies a balance. On one side is your desire to NOT be alone, enough that you still have that drive to give someone a chance, to still believe in love and honesty and all of the good that comes from being in a healthy, mutual and loving relationship.

Understanding that though we were not wired to be alone, having someone does not complete you…but it certainly can ADD to you. The other side is wanting to be married so desperately that you’ll take any little fish that comes along (see what I just did there?). Willing to sacrifice time with those most important to you, compromise your morals and beliefs, all while unable to fill the gaping hole in your heart that consumes your every thought. So yes, I’m comfortable… Just not too comfortable. I hope to maintain that balance. If I ever do find someone…. I hope to continue to maintain that balance. I’m sure it will be uncomfortable at times. But others times, it might just be oh so completely comfortable. Hey, a girl can dream!



mindi7

About the AuthorMindi currently hails from the thriving metropolis of Pleasant View Utah. A self proclaimed silly cynic with a side of serious. She is not a runner, though has been known to be involved in a few relays and possibly one half marathon (worst/best decision ever). She is not an actress, however somehow made her way to a stage starting at the age of 6 where there might have been a lot of singing involved. She is not a sewer, but enjoys putting together fabric-like objects, such as purses, skirts and quilt tops. Most recently she has become a not-writer, who jots down ideas and shares them with others.

Mindi IS a mother of four beautiful (and I’m not kiddin-gorgeous offspring!) children. One post-teen, two very-teen and one pre-teen. They remain the inspiration behind everything good in her happy little world. Mindi is a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a former (and hopefully future) wife, and friend. She hopes to be known best for those roles in this life. The most important things, which are not things.

Also, she laughs a lot. A very lot.

Mindi also wrote the popular post Hello, I Am the Friend Zone. Why Do You Hate Me?

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